You see, I often comment to God that my children could be much better cared for by some other woman. They often get the short end of my stick. I blow gaskets more often than I care to admit. No child deserves to be treated the way I treat sweet Evelyn sometimes.
The cause of this is complicated. I know that I have a secret chamber of my heart reserved for no one. When I was wounded by my parent's divorce, my heart changed course. I am now trying to set a new course for my heart.
It is a slow process that needs to be tended to each day, each moment, each thought. I hold those who I love at a distance so that I can survive any heartbreak that might come my way over the course of a lifetime.
This is insane. It does not make sense. It is, however, the truth and I do not know how to shake it. Consequently, I don't allow myself to fully love Evelyn...I am getting better since having two children (strange), but I still hold on to a part of me that I can cling to in case Evelyn were to ever die.
I can only sum up my thoughts, feelings and attitude in this way. It is almost too much for me to really look at Evelyn and fully feel and embrace the love I have for her. It is easier to block it out.
I am in constant prayer that my heart would be softened, that the "new creation" that the Bible tells me I am would be more dominant than the old Anna, and that I would reveal Christ to Evelyn through my actions towards her and my unconditional love. Love. Love. Love. No more sharp tongued Mommy. No more anger towards her when what I am feeling is the normal frustration of raising a two year old.
KenoSing blog reminded me of my purpose. God chose me to be Evelyn's mom for this reason and this alone (emphasis added):
Lots of people ask about the pregnancy: how I’m feeling, if we know the gender, etc. Few people ask how God is using this time to shape me and show me more about himself. I won’t try to cover that in one post, it would be impossible. But I will say that even more exciting than the cute little clothes and imagining all the ways our life will change; God is using this time of preparation and using this child and my role as his/her mother to teach me what it means to die to self, to love without reserve and trust without fear.
I feel terrified at times. Concerned that I will fail, that I will lose my temper, that I will make the wrong decisions, that I will not be the mother or the wife that I want to be. The truth is that all of those things are true. What gives me hope is that my job is not to be everything this child will ever need, but to point them as they grow to the One who is.
This morning in Psalms I read about the God who satisfies and the God who sustains. I want to search Him out with everything that I am. I want to satisfied in Him and Him alone, and to somehow teach this child to do the same.---------
Thanks, KenoSing. This post gives me hope that although I fail...and will continue to...my job is not to strive to be perfect, but to point to the One who is. I struggle on now with new meaning and new understanding of my purpose. I am again encouraged through your words that I can love with all abandoned and live fully under the shelter of God's wings.
"Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings." Psalm 63:7
"For you are with me; Your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4
2 comments:
Anna,
I love reading your blog! I read your "On my mind" and it is exactly what goes in my head often. Like you, divorce changes a person. I feel often not to get to close to anyone in fear as I may get hurt again, mostly with my children. So if we keep them at an arm length away things "seem" to be easier?? I can not seem to fully trust and love. Roger helps me a lot with this but there is always that little voice in back of my head that tells me to be careful. Realizing that "earthly" people and things are never 100%. The only one we can ever fully recieve from is our Heavenly Father. People in our lives make mistakes as we do, or hurt us in ways that they may not even know. I believe we just have to keep pressing on at being the best we can be as wives and mothers, friends and God will take care of the rest. Fully putting all our trust in the Lord and knowing that he will never leave us and as our marriage verse reads: I know the plans for you declares the Lord to prosper not to harm to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Hope all is well with your family and your girls are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!
Love ya! Cousin Judy
Thanks for the comment, Judy.
I recently learned something that helps me in this area a little. Children trust their parents explicitly. They keep coming back over and over regardless of how we act towards them. God asks us to have faith like a child. That faith would be raw, unguarded and fully trusting.
We should pursue our relationships with our spouses and children in that way. And find comfort and strength to be unguarded because like a child who trusts their parents will care for them, we need to trust God that even if we get hurt, he knows what is best. We can face each day knowing that God is good and will care for us, his children.
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