It's okay to be me.

I discovered something new and something cool tonight while parenting solo. Steve is gone until late. It's just me and the girls until bedtime. Earlier Evelyn wanted to bake something so we began making chocolate chip cookies. Yes, yummy. During the process a friend called and we chatted for a bit. Since I am not a multi-tasker, I did not try to make the dough and talk at the same time. All I could muster was to make sure my children weren't playing with knives or something obvious like that.

During my conversation on the phone the frozen pizza that was in the oven was done. Naomi was roaming around our not-so-child proof house with something brown and smelly on her back. Evelyn was dumping spices on her lap while sitting on the counter patiently waiting for me to continue cooking with her. The counters were a mess...the floor was a mess from pots and pans and tupperware being strewn about by two little hands moments prior.

After I hung up the phone and handed Evelyn a slice of pizza to eat while sitting on the counter and while Naomi was who knows where...I realized this isn't a "Mother of the Year" moment. I also realized that I judge myself too much. You see, I watch other mothers and try to emulate what I like about their mothering style. I have many ideas in my head at all times of what a good mother should look and act like. Sadly, I often do not fit this mold, at least in my mind.

However, the cool thing that I realized in that moment of "chaos" is that I am who I am. I can't be anything else. Maybe I don't have a type-A personality (or type-B...I'm more a type- C for crazy) and no matter how much I would like a more structured personality sometimes, I just can't be that way...it is against who I am.

I've been stuck in the mind set that even though I am a type-C person and I mother like a type-C person, I need to improve on that and strive to become a type-A. Type-A mothers don't let their children eat their supper on the counter tops, or have their little ones crawling around (and yes, munching on pizza crust off the floor) naked because they pooped out the back of their diaper and mommy isn't quite ready to throw them in the bath. A type-A mother ensures that at all times their children are tended to with the utmost care and dedication. Me, I find that I am the opposite and the events of tonight are pretty common, except to lesser degrees.

Is that okay? Are my children going to survive? Are they going to feel well-cared for even though their mom is a little looney? Tonight I had a glimpse of the answer...yes. I felt it in my heart. I felt free to be the type-C that I am and to be okay with that. I need to quit judging myself and just be free to live and love as best as I know how. I am who I am and I need to start loving it.

P.S. I wanted to get a picture of the chaos tonight, but could not find the memory card that I had taken out of my camera to bring to the store. Cool. Just another reminder that I am who I am and I forget things.

P.P.S. Just to make you all feel better I have another blooper to share. A few weeks ago I helped co-host a baby shower for a friend. When we all arrived and set-up my friend asked me, "Anna, did you remember the punch?" Wow, no I didn't. That is sweet. No punch for the party. Is it okay that no one can truly depend on me to do the things that I say I am going to do?