Deep thinking...

I've been troubled in my heart for a while now. God has been working on me. He first started working this past year while I've been volunteering on our MOPS team. We have a leader that I would say is somewhat less than a leader. I have struggled with my frustrations regarding our teams lack of unity, teamwork and overall sense of community. I don't feel I know these ladies any better now than I did at the start of the year. That troubles me. You see, I love relationships. I have trouble limiting the people I hang out with because everyone to me is a potential friend and someone I want to get to know. I love being with people. I hate not having organization in our group so that we can become better friends, supporters of eachother and teammates.

My frustrations with our leader blew my top and things came to a head this past month. We had to have a nice little chat with a mentor friend and needless to say, I had to do some apologizing. I couldn't figure out how to love her and move past my inner struggles. I gave in to my old self and let her have it in a series of emails. Yeah, I am good at being rude. I seem to be problematically unaware of how I effect others. I don't really care if someone likes me or dislikes me. I have usually had the more dominant personality and they never had the nuts to tell me they didn't like me to my face. So, I never felt bad and never cared. I have lived a life for myself and how I relate to the world doesn't really matter to me. I am the only one in my world.

That mentality was established while I was growing up. I lived a life that was independent of most of my family and really didn't need to involve my mom or my sister (the two I grew up living with) in much of life. They didn't involve me in theirs either. We come from a line of women who do things for themselves and don't really depend on anyone else for help or regular support. I have come to resent that family heritage of mine. I struggle with it the same way I struggled with our lack of leadership on MOPS and the actaul heartbreak and disappointment that came with it.

My parent's divorced when I was eight and the effects of that have not nor will not ever go away. I have since learned that divorce is like a death. Mourning needs to take place for the loss of the family you once knew. Since that time my upbringing could be summed up by saying it was lonely and heartbreaking. I longed for a real family with a dad and the normal hub-bub of a typical family life. I still long for it and it has led me to a new undeniable frustration that I have to somehow learn to overcome.

Since becoming a mom I've done a lot of thinking about what a good mom looks like and how to be that to my children. I fail in every way most of the time, but mostly I fail because I forget who I am and I become burdened with anger towards my past, which plays out in my everyday relationships. I have a hard time forgiving my family for not being more of what I needed/wanted. I want to become something different for my girls and preside over a family of my own that reflects more of what I dearly want.

What I want is a family similar to my husband's. There is nothing wrong with my family, but it bares the scar of divorce. It is evident at every family get-together, every situation that comes up and isn't my ideal. Steve's family is quite opposite with both parent's loving eachother, laughing together and praying together. His family talks all the time, gets together for many meaningful events throughout the year and helps eachother endlessly. They put eachother on the map, so to speak. Family is a priority in all they do. Some might say families like that are over bearing, but not to me. What is family for if not to be the first responders to crisis, the ones who know your heart, the ones who look after you.

My family is 100% behind me, but I can't say we spend much of our days/weeks/years purposefully keeping in contact and building closer relationships. I don't do much to help that and it might be because of my frustration with trying to make my family into something they are not. I need to let go and learn to love my family for who they are even if it isn't easy to appreciate at first sight.

I want my children to grow up and want to live near me and Steve. I want them to call me often, as I will do for them. I want to visit them often, have them over often, and know them well because we spend a lot of time together. I want my children to think of life in terms of family and not individual. I want to figure out how to nurture that...I want to love my past and also praise God that he has met my needs by providing a family of my own to love and be in communion with and let go of the disappointment of my past.

When I read 1 Cor. 13 I am reminded that anger, bitterness and hatred have no place in a heart that is called to love. Loving is the exact opposite of those feelings. To truly love others allows no room for anger, hatred or bitterness. Until those feelings are overcome one cannot truly love. I have a long way to go, but I know the path I need to follow in order to be freed from my past hurts and able to love those around me the way Christ loves me.

"Love is patient...It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs..." 1 Corinthians 13.

I'd say a lot of my life keeps record of wrongs, is self-seeking, definitly easily angered and not very patient. I am thankful people love me anyways and love me into becoming what I am created to be. To all of you, I will not settle for less than becoming what is described in Corinthians so that I can leave a legacy for you and my children of love and nothing else.