I am a Stay-At-Home mom.

I run in a circle of other stay-at-home mothers. We often get together to talk about life as a mother with small children. It is a strange job to have. Spending almost every hour of the day with your children. Often times, when tantrums are raging, toys are being thrown about the house, food is being smashed into the carpet and poop is being cleaned from many butts, it feels like a trap.

I mean this in the best way possible. Although I dreamed of being an archeologist when I was young, deep in my heart I knew I would be a mom and that would be my profession. I am not an overly motherly type. Often I think that I should not be allowed to be a mother, but overall this job of a stay-at-home mom is perfect.

My friends and I lament that we don't get to take breaks...even bathroom breaks with out being interrupted, or leave work and go home at night. Days blend together and often I don't even know the exact date. This, however, is my personal privilege and something I would never not do. It is exactly what I want to be doing in my life.

The problems in life when little ones are present are minor, but real in the moment. When stress runs high and I treat my children less than the way I desire to treat them a little bit of guilt builds up in my heart. Overtime, as well as reading parenting books, I develop a complex that what I desire to be as a mom is not what I actually am.

After reading different books and talking constantly with other moms I realize most of us feel guilt that we aren't the parents we desire to be. This might be exaggerated with mothers that stay at home because often we blow our cool easier because the stress from long and crazy days are continual. When we blow our cool we immediately think of the mom we know that always seems put together, calm, slow-to-anger and has angelic children. We think, "What am I doing wrong?" Why do I lose my cool so easily?" "Am I cut out for this?"

The answer to all those lingering questions is to just be the mom whom we can be. We won't be like the mom next door. We won't be like anyone else. We can only be ourselves.

My "self" gets lost in the shuffle of my brain trying to do the right thing during every interaction I have with my children. When I think of the kind of mother I am I think of all of the negatives. The things that remind me that I am not the mom I desire to be.

But today I remembered my "self". It hit me like a ton of bricks. Although I am not the perfect mom I do desire to be I have some positive qualities I should focus on instead of the negatives. I do make many and sometimes constant mistakes throughout the day. Evelyn can attest. I know that simply having a goal and striving to become better is important. I can't weigh myself down with the notion that I can change in to the perfect mom overnight. If I think that way I will be stuck in the guilt of the reality that I not there yet.

All I need to do is remember the good things about myself and to be okay that I am a mom that isn't very patient, isn't very good at cooking, isn't the best housekeeper, isn't the most creative and isn't the nicest at times. The good things like my sense of humor, my desire to give my children many experiences, my goofy nature, my hospitality, my singing, my playing, my bathing them, my feeding them, my cheering them on in endeavors of many kinds...even ones that will make more messes for me to clean-up, and my love for them are all good things to hold onto in the midst of guilt.

I don't need to be any other mother than I am. I will make mistakes tomorrow and most every day. But, mistakes aren't all that bad. I can't avoid them because I am human. All I can do is try my best day after day and let myself be me and free to be happy about the good things I can offer my children and stop being weighed down by what I know I am doing wrong. Then it will all fall in to place and I will naturally start doing less of the bad and do more of the good.

In the end all I desire is that my children can laugh at my mistakes and live a good and happy life in spite of those mistakes.