Yay. Blogging.

I have wanted to write for a while, but never asked Steve what our password was.  I must be very emotional because I feel like I just want to write out a bit of my heartache.

We have been a apart of a church plant here in town for almost three years.  It has been a journey.  Since moving to this town we have found it very difficult to find a church home.  In the past the place we went to worship each week was the place we found our friends who quickly turned into family.  The people we worshipped with were our "home".

We have been without a "home" for quite some time now.  I ask God to move us quite regularly, but he has not done that.  He has done the opposite.  I know he has a plan for us.  I think we have finally hit the wall of human effort and are ready to sink in to simply asking and waiting on the Lord's direction.

I have been asking the question a lot, "What is the purpose of church?" or another variation, "Is church relevant?"  I desire in my heart to spend my time gathering with others to learn about God, be energized to refocus and seek after God and to come together to serve and help others.

In a strange twist we have been doing all of that...but not within the confines of a building.  Actually, all the true meaningful times with others and with God have been outside of those walls.  Within the walls of the church things get complicated and garbled up.  The energy leaves and exhaustion sets in.

God is alive inside people.  That is true beyond a shadow of a doubt and that is how we have seen Him and experienced Him these past years.  If that is true, then where does that leave the church as a structure?  Some churches work well.  Some churches don't.  Churches consist of humans. God desires to work through people to accomplish His desires on earth.  We are His hands, we are His feet.  What a privilege that is.

That is when I feel alive.  That is where my passions are.  Going out and doing.  I am not particularly gifted at working within a "zone".  I am a free-spirit.  I love to flutter about to these people and those...to this area and that area.  To confine me is to inhibit who I am.  Consequently, the view of church for me is more than a building.  It is more than programs located at a certain church.  Church can be with a few people.  Church can be with your own little family and the Bible.

So in our culture going to a building once a week (or more often) is normal.  That is how we do church.  We have nice buildings, nice logos and good programs to help people learn or serve.  Churches have great intentions.  However, where I find myself is in quite a predicament.

With this new internet thing I can listen and watch Pastors from far away.  I can learn about God in many ways.  In fact, right now, we and a few of our close friends have been "fed" by a church that is half a country away.  We don't get that same teaching from our pastor at our local church.  What we do get is other people who are like-minded and whom we love.

What we have are close friends who also are our "ministry" go to people, tag-teaming as two or as families to minister to the needs we see arise around us.  We pray with one another, fast with one another, share struggles and distractions with one another and teach one another.  Together we are able, by the grace of God, to be the hands and feet of Christ.  I am in awe by that.  I am forever grateful for that.  When we try to combine with the church as a whole, we truly face spiritual warfare in the face.  We are attacked.  The church almost cuts off our influence and our ability to be free to jump at the moment and be in relationships.

There are new events happening at our church beginning this month.  They break my heart because of the disconnect that is present.  Steve and I are left with only one option; the best option...pray!  I am excited to pray specifically each day and ask God to show us what He wants us to do in this community and where He wants us to be plugged in.  Maybe He will show us we (me!) need to simply surrender to this plan that is before us.  To trust Him and stay put.  I can do that as long as I know He is asking me to do that.

I have not been paying attention to God as much lately because I think I gave up on earthly things.  I began to focus on non-church things because church only led me to be frustrated.  I also needed to step back from the Bible study I had been in for six years.  That was our "church" for so long.  Now I am floating around trying to figure out why this thing has to be so difficult and what I am supposed to do.  I want Him to show me what church means to Him.    

In this time of questioning I will learn many wonderful things.  I want to be this desperate to know what God desires of me and to hunger for Him to teach me...even if it is to do the opposite of what I think I should do.  He will answer.  He is waiting for me to turn my ear.  Thank you, Lord Jesus, for being patient and never leaving my side even when I am distant from you.  You are my Abba father.  I love you.

"Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong."  Job 6:24
"Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalms 86:11